Yes, actually – I lied – to others – and to myself!
There are probably at least 100 different types of alcoholics out there.
And everyone has their own way of dealing with it – or just ignore it and move on – and continue to drink. Many people manage to continue drinking their entire life, despite their dependence, and making it work …… There is no clear solution to it all. Everything is so individual.
BUT – One thing us alcoholics have in common is that we are very good at lying to ourselves – and to others – to keep on drinking.
When I realized my alcohol problems, I promised myself to “cut down” on the drinking.
– What a lie !!!
When a friend told me “You should not cut down on drinking. You should stop completely and never drink again ” – I was chocked ! Would he now even tell me to cut off my right arm!? What a claim! A life without alcohol could not exist? – Why ?! The alcohol had been such a dear friend and joy since I was 17 years old! Would I sit there at parties and dinners ahead and not be like the others? I got pissed off about what he said! Almost humiliated !
I did not understand how right he was.
I then took a break from the alcohol for 4 months – and I actually manage to do so. BUT my aim was still of course to start drinking again on a certain date. Then I would start drinking ”normally” as usual people do.
It went well at first. Maybe 2-3 times. After that I totally lost control and my drinking got worse than ever!
And then, I lied to myself again and took a break from drinking for 2 months. Still with the same attitude – that I could then start to drink ”normally”.
But It ended up getting even worse than the last time! I could never imagine that I could go as far beyond the limits of what was possible. I was sick now ! Really sick ! I had long denied that alcoholism is a disease. But now I began to understand that it´s actually a fact !
I actually also lied in my latest blog post: That I didn´t misbehave on tour. It depends, of course, on how you see it. But on a tour of about 2 weeks around Europe 2010, I actually drank all of these 14 days – BUT, I made up a plan about it and stopped drinking in time to be sober enough and in shape before soundcheck and the gig. I stopped drinking at about 4pm and just drank a little until it was time for the show and then I had a beer or two – then I could deliver. After the gig, I continued to drink – and even the following morning until the afternoon until it was time to settle down again at aprox 4pm.
The others were ”impressed” that I could deliver every night even though I was ”just like Ozzy Osbourne” as they expressed themselves.
”But was there really something to be impressed about ?! The whole thing was just incredibly tragic !
I was a wreck! And even though I could say that I could “deliver” every night, I wasn´t really doing my job properly. That’s how I see it, even though the audience hopefully didn´t notice anything.
It’s quite easy to hide that you have problems with alcohol.
But it’s even easier to lie to yourself !
If someone thinks I’m writing about this to ”talk about how good I am” – then you’re wrong.
I hope with all my heart that my story can help someone out of this shit !
I am not a “hero” or something like that – I only made a decision ! – The right one !
For over 6 years, I´ve had the feeling that I don´t wanna drink.
There is a big difference in ”abstaining from it” to ”keep away from it”
What I am happy and actually proud of is that I have been completely honest with everything in front of my children. With this, I’ve also shown that ”If you have problems with anything, whatever it may be, you’ll take care of your problems and do everything possible to solve them.” If you can not do it yourself, you can receive help from others. But the most important thing is always the insight. Self-denial must be defeated ! If, after all, you can not solve the problems even with help from other people, you must try to reach a higher power. You can call it whatever you want and it doesn´t necessarily have to do with religion or Hokus Pokus. If you really want to reach it – it will be there for you. That´s my belief.
It’s actually the same as with ”intelligence”. You can have it, but if you don´t use it, it will be meaningless to have. Don´t use it to lie to yourself !